Why not?

“Why not?” He asked, obviously a little perturbed. Then he got a shit-eating grin that made me want to slam his little head into the counter; “*I* fucked her.”

Well maybe, just maybe, fuckhead, THAT’S EXACTLY WHY NOT.

Ah, youth.

But this guy, you see, he didn’t like me. No, I won’t be rude to YOU, I like you, in that sort of way, of course, because the action of the keyboard is just so right. No, that’s not it, it’s just barely off.

“What’s your fucking problem, Husted?” And he stared at me with that stare, that “I’d love to punch your stupid face” sort of look to which I’ve grown accustomed.

He always walked like he had a corn cob lodged in his colon. Yes, colon, not just his rectum. All the way up there, baby.

“Want some of this cranberry muffin?” I knew he was pissed already, and this friendly gesture + my shit-eating grin really threw him over the edge. But break time was over and everyone was filing back into the classroom.

I relished in my small victory.

The moral of the story is that I have very little patience for cocky, holier-than-thou donkey fuckers that insist on believing I’d be threatened by them. Disclaimer: I’ve never actually had my ass kicked by one of them. I may yet, someday. But they ALWAYS back down when you stare them in the eye. Always.

So now “that guy” who is so pervasive has fulfilled his eventuality. This time … Wonder Twin powers, activate! Form of… Christian “I can reform Atheists” Douchebag!” I’m starting that Atheist group at work and there’s always that Christian nutstroker that feels compelled to say, “nuh uh, there IS so a God” and then act all shocked when he gets decimated by the Atheists.

I mean, really, dude? You’re against separation of church and state? You’re against gay rights? You think Atheists “believe in nothing.” But then you say Atheists “don’t KNOW there’s no god” and then you follow up with “Atheists have to have FAITH in not believing.” Okay. Go away. Really. Go shove a hot poker up your pee hole because, seriously, you’re dumber than a Darth Vader costume on a cat.

This tea-baggin’ shit-for-brains actually said this: “you don’t know, for example, that your kid’s hair is brown right now. For all you know, he dyed it pink at school today. You must have faith that it’s brown.”

To which I replied, after deleting my anathematizing about 10 times, “well, you’re right. I don’t KNOW. But I don’t have FAITH that his hair is brown. I know it’s brown and I can TEST it by forming a theory about his hair color and verifying it with data. You know, I can PROVE his hair is brown. That whole “proof” thing? And if the proof comes back that his hair is pink, I’ll have PROVEN that his hair is not brown. This is called “falsifiable.” No faith involved. I’m swayed by evidence.”

Don’t get me started. Arnold could drive his Hummer through the holes in this guy’s arguments.

But, hey, that’s the way it rolls. The “we really, honestly, sure thing have something profound to convince you deluded Atheists” brown eyes of the world are that meat smokin’ douche to whom I offered my muffin. They are the Napoleonesque dork that says the wrong thing all the time, assuming that I’m “one of them.”

Guess what? I’m not. And I never will be. News flash: god isn’t real. And I don’t like you. (I actually like very few people. I’m funny that way. If I’ve known you for more than a year and you’ve never been to my house, chances are that I actually don’t like you.) Wishful thinking doesn’t make god real, either. You can certainly delude yourself, but do it on your message boards or in your house. Or do you not have time between the anal beads and Oprah?

The point of the Atheist boards / employee group is to bring together like-minded people. The proselytizers, I suspect, intentionally subvert this because they don’t want the Atheists to come out. Non-belief, after all, is growing exponentially all over the world. And it must be scary to realize you’re moving from majority to minority right before your very eyes. Boo fucking hoo.