I have quasi-sex dreams

So I did say recently in a “note” that I don’t have sex dreams. That’s not entirely true, but not entirely false.

Lemme ‘splain.

Last night I had a quasi-sex dream.

I was in a room watching TV. There was a nondescript woman there with me, on the other end of the couch. I was, for some reason, masturbating. I really thought she didn’t see me. My pants were still up but my hand was down my pants, going to town. Then she put on a porno and I *still* thought she didn’t see me wackin’ it (I’m pretty stupid in my dreams sometimes). The porno was strange, not very porno-ish at all – it was just shots of varying types of labia.

Which reminds me of a story (oh, no, here he goes again). I have a friend that’s no longer married to this woman, but I used to visit them all the time. One day I happened to mention “the triple wide,” which is inner and outer labia that look sorta look if you took three fingers up in a Boy Scout salute and then bent them down at the knuckle… you know, a triple wide. where the inner labia are about as thick, taken together, as the outer labia. I’ve never experienced a woman with a triple wide, personally, but it seems to be a staple of porn. Maybe it’s a symptom of overuse?

So she told me that she actually worried about this for quite some time afterwards. She actually brought it up the next time I visited (by the way, SHE always brought up poop when I visited, I swear it wasn’t me!). She insisted she had a normal “double wide” and sought reassurance from her (then) husband.

I never saw her labia so I don’t know if it was true or not. She wasn’t my type, despite her assurances that she “could have had me whenever she wanted.” Sorry, bub, no you couldn’t have. My wife is waaaaaaaay hotter than you.

Anyway, the porno that was flickering in the dark room was simply images of labia. Weird. No sex.

See, I told you my sex dreams had no sex!

And then I was in a car (my dreams are very cut-scene, if you haven’t guessed by now), and that same, generic, no-name woman was talking to me. I guess I said the right thing because she leaned over to me, as in an “oral sex in the car” type of maneuver, and I steered right off the road and almost hit a newspaper box (actually, it was a freebie rag container, probably Auto Trader or something dumb like that).

That was the end of the dream.

So now I wonder why I have sex-related dreams but not actual coitus dreams? Am I deranged (don’t answer that!)? Am I fucked in the head so much that I can’t get fucked in my dreams? Maybe I’m just satisfied sexually so I just explore other things in my dreams. I know plenty of people that have said they have sex dreams. I know some people that actually achieve climax in dreams. But I’ve never, ever, ever jizzed off in a dream. In fact, the only “wet dream ” I’ve ever had was in Boot Camp after about 5 weeks of not whacking it, which was probably filling my nuts to near-bursting capacity, so my brain decided to open the pressure release valve. Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhh. Not that I remember the dream, I just remember the horror of waking up surrounded by 80 men, fearing discovery of my nocturnal emission (nobody discovered it – I guess jizz dries quickly).

Hmmm. I think I revealed something about myself that I, myself, hadn’t realized, and now I’m wondering what the problem (if any) is?


Wesley Willis ends each song with a commercial tagline. Jello Biafra called Wesley Willis the one true punk rocker. DK rules!

Budweiser. King of Beers.

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